||[Jun. 5th, 2008|11:53 pm]
New rules for LaLonde's Market:
1. Do not come in after we've closed.
2. Do not forget your checkbook in your car.
3. Do not leave piles of groceries on the counter while you run to grab, "just one more thing!" [Read: seven.] They're in my way.
4. Do not write your check for some random amount. Write it for the amount due, or $20.00 over. If you don't remember the amount, ask, or look at one of the two screens provided for you, both of which will tell you the amount due.
5. Do not try to buy booze without an ID if you're under 27. Especially if you look young. Don't get pissed at me if I card you.
6. Don't get pissed at me if I don't card you. You're old. You look old. Deal with it or invest in collagen injections and hair dye.
7. Saying, "my card sometimes has a hard time scanning" does not make it any more acceptable for your credit card to be a piece of shit. Call your bank, and have it replaced. For free. Same with bridge cards [EBT/food stamp cards.]
8. Do not hand me your debit card if there is no money in your account. You will not receive cash from the ATM either, because your account is empty. Learn how to balance a checkbook.
9. Do not hand me your credit card if you are over your credit limit. Learn what your limit is. Keep track of what you buy.
10. If something doesn't scan, it isn't free, that isn't funny, and you aren't the first person to have used that line.
11. Do not use food stamps to buy the best steaks we have. You could have gotten four times as much meat, but I suppose that is part of the reason why you are using food stamps in the first place.
12. Do not make "the government is paying for it" jokes when using food stamps. No, sir: I am paying for it. Maybe you should step behind the counter... **See disclaimer, below**
13. Do not be a disgusting fuck and hit on the cashier. I am here to do work, not give you a boner. That's what the internet is for. If I say, "come back and see me," then come back and see me. If I say, "Sorry, but I'm not interested," then leave me the fuck alone.
14. Do not make me food and expect me to eat it. If it's pre-packaged: thank you. If not: sorry.
15. Do not send your children in to buy you alcohol because you are too drunk to leave your house. I cannot sell to minors.
16. Do not comment about "squishing the bread" when I put the bread on top of everything else, and leave room for you to grab the handles, WITHOUT SQUISHING THE BREAD. This is my job. Eggs below chips, chips below bread. Tomatoes on top of chips, but below bread. If you have questions regarding my bagging theory, please ask.
17. If you get more than 3 of one piece of produce [except for bananas, obviously], put them in a clear bag, provided for you in the produce section. Do not roll up to check out with a basket full of 20 potatoes, which I will need to put one by one on the scale.
18. Do not put more than one kind of produce in one bag. I will just have to take each one out with my germ-covered, money-touching hands, thus defeating one of the two purposes of the bag, and making your produce covered in dirt and saliva. You and I both know your husband doesn't wash his apples before eating them. And you kiss those filthy lips.
19. Watch your damned kids. If they start yelling and screaming, shut them up. You are the parent.
20. Do not ring the damned bell if I am standing right there. That purpose of the bell is, strangely, not to entertain you or your children, but to let me know that I have a customer to wait on, if I am not in sight. If I am there, and you ring the bell, I consider it a jack ass alarm. If your child asks nicely, let them ring the bell once per child. That's it. Because I'm nice and I like to reward good manners.
21. Do not make me count more than 20 coins.
22. Don't name-drop the owner's name thinking you'll get a discount. Unless you're family, you're tacky.
23. In the hopes that Stinky Man #1 or Stinky Man #2 may read this: take a damned shower. Have the carpets and upholstery in your home professionally cleaned. If you need help, call social services, or an at-home nurse, or a maid. You can both afford it. Don't make everyone within 20 feet of you suffer. I wish I wasn't kidding.
24. Dear Lotto Guy, Please buy your tickets, scratch them, turn them in, and leave. There is no reason to buy tickets, scratch them, turn them in, buy more, scratch them, turn them in, buy more, scratch them, turn them in, etc. for THREE HOURS. One day you lost $59. Invest in a money market account or a mutual fund. Or put your money in a CD, and get something like 4% interest!
25. I have no control over how lucky your lotto ticket is. Do not ask me for a lucky one. I will give you the next one in the strip either way. Do not guilt me into thinking I screwed up your luck.
26. Do not come in less than 5 minutes before the draw break and ask me for lotto tickets.
27. Do not be an ass. I will try very hard to be polite to you, but the entire staff and customers who saw you being an ass will mock you mercilessly once the door closes behind your stupid ass.
28. There are two correct responses to, "Have a nice day!": "Thanks!" and "You too!". Grunting, "Yup!" and "Okay!" are unacceptable, because they are rude.
29. Have a nice day!
**Disclaimer: I realize that many people need food stamps. I am not opposed to food stamps or WIC or EBT or bridge cards or whatever. However, when I see what seems to be a very capable person walk into the store and buy hundreds of dollars in steaks and overpriced stuff [because you went to LaLonde's, and didn't go to some place cheaper, didn't bring any coupons, and didn't ask for any sort of discount], it pisses me off. I am paying for those steaks/the extra $2 going into my boss's pocket.